042- FINALLY HAVING AN EXCUSE TO USE THESE ICONS ROCKS.

[uberboned]

[Imagine if you will, this scenario. Eighteen year old Gabriel Too-Awesome-For-A-Last-Name sitting in someone's office and using the PA as his own personal voicebox to make his own personal announcements.... Okay, that's just the scenario that Gabriel is imagining in his currently extremely fluffy head, because it would be so cool if he'd really hijacked the PA System, but really he's just sitting in the counselor's cabin with his journal and a smugly superior tone of voice. If anyone knew what Gabriel actually sounded like here, they'd notice he sounds a little more high-pitched and a little less like he swallowed West Tennessee.]

And let's give a big round of applause for our Camp Manager. [Pause for the aforementioned applause. He can totally hear if you're not applauding.] I can assure you that the rumors that our Fearless Leader is an alien and this camp is his way of harvesting his favorite snacks- young, impressionable teenagers- are completely untrue. Those missing campers were found completely unharmed.

....I think.

[He pauses for dramatic effect.] But really, what you have to worry about isn't El Capitan in all his mysterious glory. Ohhh nooo, kids. The real problem? Is out there in the woods. Y'know, the whole... Monster thing. Buuut that's probably just a myth. Just like the alligators in the lake.

[Another pause. He bursts out laughing.] Kidding! They cleared those out last year. ....Maybe. Well, I, personally, haven't seen any, buuut.... [He shrugs, even though no one can see it. Or the comical faces he's making. Oh well.]

Anyway! Guess I should introduce myself. I'm Gabriel, one of your caring, compassionate camp counselors [ISN'T ALLITERATION FUN?], and I'm here to make sure your camping experience is the best that it can be. In fact, we're gonna start now. Don't do anything stupid to make me come down there and throw you in the lake, and I'll just... Leave you in the capable hands of some of the sticks in the mud that actually took this job for the life experience. You know who you are.

In the meantime... Ladies? You know where my cabin is. Same place it is every year. Be there. [Can you feel his eyebrow-waggling?

....No. No, we don't know how he keeps getting this job.]

Comments

[with_discipline]

Monsters do not exist. [Tie-dye versus logic: GO.]

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

You sure about that?

[THE ANNOYING TIE-DYE SHIRT COMMANDS YOU LISTEN TO IT. ..God, I never realized how appropriate that shirt would actually be for a summer camp flood.]

[gotgreenmagic.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'll be right down. Can I bring my gasoline and matches?

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

You just invited so many really bad jokes into your life, princess. Should I start with "I like 'em fiery" and work my way down the list?

[darknessb4me]

Please tell me that last part was directed to the female campers. It's been awhile since I've been able to get my father to have someone fired.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

They can't fire me- I'm practically tenured. I will be here until Jason Vorhees drags me kicking and screaming into the lake.

But, to answer your question, no. Gross.

[lt-n-uhura.livejournal.com]

It's too early to be scaring them. God, just leave them alone.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

But it's tradition! I can't break with tradition. It's... Untraditional.

[doctor-scarf.livejournal.com]

Wait, there are monsters and alligators?!

Awesome.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

[Every year there's one that responds like that. Mwah. Hah. Hah.]

Yep! Grab a butterfly net and just knock yourself out, kiddo.

[toldastory]

There really aren't any such things as aliens, are there?

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

There could be. Between you and me, the groundskeeper here looks pretty suspicious.

[happinessboys.livejournal.com]

If you're going to make up stories, you might as well try and make them worthwhile.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Here's an idea. You and the non-believer can start your own camp. You can just kill Tinkerbell all day for six weeks.

[charmedandperky.livejournal.com]

[Well done, Gabriel, you've managed to upset the one person whose mother died in a ruddy lake at camp! She tries for a kick to the shin.]

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

[HEY, IT'S NOT CAMP UNLESS HE UPSETS AT LEAST ONE PERSON. Or gets his shin kicked. He grabs her shoulders and spins her around and tries to shove her off towards... Another counselor, all while hiding his manly pain.]

Rule #1: No abusing your counselors. If the alligators come for you, don't blame me for not saving your ass, because I'm too busy being gimpy.

[estevezestevez.livejournal.com]

Unless you've actually seen the monsters, I call bullcrap on your monsters...and tie-dye went like disco and [have a snarky little pseudo-psychic]

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Don't blame me when they crawl into your bed at night, kid. And these are camp standard.

[Actually, he just... Got thrown into the lake by too many annoyed female counselors and this is the only shirt he has left. SHUT UP, KID. YOU DON'T KNOW HIS LIFE.]

[farsees.livejournal.com]

I think I'd prefer being thrown in the lake over getting contact herpes just by standing next to you. I really hope you're not my counselor.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Women of age. Jesus. Was that part not self-explanatory?

[no-nanomites.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gabriel, you never change, do you?

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

The day I do will be the day they finally kick me out. You're still coming here?

[peektuttut]

Quit freaking them out, man. There are probably enough of them scared of the water.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

They should be! Have you been in that lake?

...'Cause I have and lemme tell you something, that fishy smell never comes out, no matter how many times you make other people do your laundry.

Sexy irish accent response!

[givesomeback.livejournal.com]

What about the rumors about the counselors who only took the job as a way to get close to thirteen year old girls?

SEE GABRIEL BE ACCENT RACIST.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD. IT'S A REAL LEPRECHAUN. Alert the media!

[requiresssacrifice]

Yay, another fun-filled summer.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

[HI, REX. YOUR SISTER'S HOT. The end. :|]

And now I remember which one Rex is.

[alwaysthequeenb.livejournal.com]

Has that ever even worked? Or are you stuck alone night after night? [ God, isn't she just precious in all her I'm the Queen of the Campers glory. ]

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Note to self: next time specify I mean the counselors. Sorry, kiddo. Better luck when you're older.

[SEE GABRIEL. SEE HIM IGNORE EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID.]

[i-excel.livejournal.com]

This is stupid.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Most of life is. And then you die.

There. I just removed the frame on your window of innocence. Wanna join the kid who knows everything about STD's and form a sewing circle of spite?

[willkissawookie.livejournal.com]

Don't get any ideas.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

But I have so many... Waaaait.

....camper or counselor? I've got a rep here at stake.

video;

[triggered-it.livejournal.com]

[He just stares for a moment, incredibly unnerving.]

We're teenagers. Most of us don't believe in monsters, and I find it hard to believe that there are any alligators. Even if there were, they're usually timid toward people, unless they're provoked, or they feel their nest is in danger.

[That's all he has to say.]

video;

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

That's what the last teenager said.

[dramatic pause]

They never found his body.

[video]

[hulk]

...Gabe. [Facepalmmmm. RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT CATCHING, DARN IT. :<] This isn- Uh. Remember what we all talked about at that counselor orientation meeting? Especially that part about, you know. How we're not here t-too, ah. Mess around with the kids' heads? Remember that part?

I mean, you kinda rolled your eyes at that part, but I'm pretty sure you remember it?

[video]

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

And here's Bruce! My favorite stick-in-the-mud! Knew I could count on you, buddy. [No, he did not hear a word you just said. :|]

[cisskabob]

Gabe, do you have to scare the new kids every year?

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

It's how I tell the winners from the losers.