Those guys are either gonna dust you or use you as bait.

[Imagine if you will, this scenario. Eighteen year old Gabriel Too-Awesome-For-A-Last-Name sitting in someone's office and using the PA as his own personal voicebox to make his own personal announcements.... Okay, that's just the scenario that Gabriel is imagining in his currently extremely fluffy head, because it would be so cool if he'd really hijacked the PA System, but really he's just sitting in the counselor's cabin with his journal and a smugly superior tone of voice. If anyone knew what Gabriel actually sounded like here, they'd notice he sounds a little more high-pitched and a little less like he swallowed West Tennessee.]

And let's give a big round of applause for our Camp Manager. [Pause for the aforementioned applause. He can totally hear if you're not applauding.] I can assure you that the rumors that our Fearless Leader is an alien and this camp is his way of harvesting his favorite snacks- young, impressionable teenagers- are completely untrue. Those missing campers were found completely unharmed.

....I think.

[He pauses for dramatic effect.] But really, what you have to worry about isn't El Capitan in all his mysterious glory. Ohhh nooo, kids. The real problem? Is out there in the woods. Y'know, the whole... Monster thing. Buuut that's probably just a myth. Just like the alligators in the lake.

[Another pause. He bursts out laughing.] Kidding! They cleared those out last year. ....Maybe. Well, I, personally, haven't seen any, buuut.... [He shrugs, even though no one can see it. Or the comical faces he's making. Oh well.]

Anyway! Guess I should introduce myself. I'm Gabriel, one of your caring, compassionate camp counselors [ISN'T ALLITERATION FUN?], and I'm here to make sure your camping experience is the best that it can be. In fact, we're gonna start now. Don't do anything stupid to make me come down there and throw you in the lake, and I'll just... Leave you in the capable hands of some of the sticks in the mud that actually took this job for the life experience. You know who you are.

In the meantime... Ladies? You know where my cabin is. Same place it is every year. Be there. [Can you feel his eyebrow-waggling?

....No. No, we don't know how he keeps getting this job.]

[The video switches on and Gabriel is sprawled rather contentedly in his chair, looking about as amused as anything. Yeah, he actually got through a flood without being affected. You would be happy too if you were him and... Had his love of schadenfreude.]

So. Everything's back to normal again. The aftermath's set in and... No one's actually broken anything yet. Unless you did it behind closed doors, which... [He considers that for a moment.] Well, 8.5 for keeping your personal to yourself, but a -5 for screwing up our betting pool. C'mon, guys. Some of us have nothing better to do than make fun of you all.

[He leans forward a bit.] But hey. No hard feelings, really. I mean, aside from that one guy, we all got through it alive. And, uh, hey. Casey Kasum's got a long-distance dedication just for you, Barge.

[He leans back again and snaps his fingers and the Barge gets treated to this. Gabriel's an ass. We all should be used this by now.]

[It's video, because Gabriel not only loves the sound of his own voice... Sometimes he just likes everyone getting to see the smarmy expressions he's making. :| There is also ZERO INDICATION that he is even a little bit affected by the whole Fourth Wall Day crap. YEAH, SORRY, BARGE. HE HIDES HIS PAIN. LIKE A MAN.

Also. This was supposed to go up earlier. Y'know. Before Armand starting nomming on people. SO PRETEND LIKE IT IS.]

Better late then never on this, I guess, buuut I was waiting until I was sure the sea of disoriented newbies had finally friggin' ebbed. So! Here's my official "Welcome to the Barge" statement.

Hi. I'm Gabriel, resident Barge archangel. Sometimes I moonlight as a Trickster god. I like long walks on the beach, women with attitude, providing the short pier for certain people to walk off of, and basically doing everything in my power to appear as unangelic as possible. Yeah, that's right. Precious Moments lied to you. Please pick up the shattered pieces of your paradigm at the door and have a nice day.

Hey, Hixie. What's the record for your counter right now?

Oh, and speaking of counters. Tony? It's been, uh, about... Two weeks, on my count. You lose.

[Private to Murphy]

Y'know, you oughta be cited for indecent exposure the way you keep whipping your balls out.