[Open Spam/Log] But I tell you now, my judge and jurors, intentions couldn't have been purer....

[uberboned]

For the first time in a very long time, Gabriel thought about Heaven.

Heaven-As-It-Was, not Heaven-As-It-Became, because there was a significant distinction between the two. Back in the early days, they were a family, a cohesive unit. They were soldiers and servants, but familial love came before orders, but that was because the orders were simple. There was just their Father and the Word and Heaven. Love thy father and thy brothers and all shall be right with their world.

And then God changed the rules. Gabriel didn't know why. Maybe the Old Man just got bored with servants that did everything He asked of him. Maybe He was fickle, maybe He was trying to shake things up. Try hedging a bet and you'd still probably come out wrong, because who can really fathom the decisions of God, Himself? So humanity came into the picture and three archangels watched them from their Father's side. One of them worshiped them as their Father asked, one of them questioned why when it wasn't his place to do so.

And one of them didn't say much of anything at all on the subject.

Millenniums later, Gabriel still wouldn't have said shit with a mouth full of it about the whole thing. You couldn't get him to stop talking, but bring the subject back around to the truth and he got quiet or defensive or cruel. He still didn't know the answer to the question that got Lucifer banished to the Pit. Are they worthy?

God thought they were and then he up and left two families. For all the angels and humanity knew, he'd gone off and started a new race of beings on Pluto and just left his original children behind, once again. The angels destroyed each other on His word, the humans destroyed each other because they had the free will to do it, and now the angels would destroy everything, because they didn't know what else to do.

And then there was Gabriel, the middle brother, who still wouldn't say a damn thing, because he never said anything. When Michael and Lucifer fought, he watched the whole thing and it tore him apart, but he never could tell them to stop. When questioned why he refused to pick a side between them, he ran from the question and ran even farther from the answer. The curtain of Heaven parted for him and then never opened again.

He dove headfirst into the existence of a pagan god and enjoyed every second of it, always telling himself that if God so loved the world, then his second angel would make the world worthy of that unconditional, undying love that he wouldn't show his own angels. He'd find the worst of humanity and teach them lessons they'd never forget. Eventually, there became a fine line between where the fun began and where the actual belief that it was God's work ended. Maybe it did eventually become more about his own amusement, maybe he did get twisted into something less of an angel, because of it. Maybe he deserved it as much as they did.

And he had no illusions about the End. The Big Finish. The Final Curtain. Whatever you wanted to call it. He didn't run to the Barge to escape a death sentence he knew he had on his head if the rest of the family ever knew he was alive and unwilling to cooperate. Sure, he was putting it off, because, in the end, when the axe came down, it would be Michael or Lucifer's eyes he'd be staring into- the brothers he abandoned Heaven, because he loved too much to watch them kill each other becoming his undoing. And it would hurt, but it wouldn't hurt nearly as much as watching his family tear itself apart had hurt.

And that was the real reason he was here, why he pretended like seeing Sam and Dean didn't make him ache in ways that he'd never let on, why he made some deal with some shady guy he didn't trust, because, in the end, all he wanted was for it to be over. And he could broadcast that, show the world that he wasn't some two-bit asshole who couldn't cut it as an angel and made a living being a dick to other dicks, but it didn't matter. Why should anyone get to see that everything he ever did, he did because he loved too much- because in the end, he needed a way to fix this that didn't involve hurting the only people he used to give a damn about. In the end, he was always going to be the coward of the family, running away from every problem, because he didn't know how to do anything but keep quiet and watch. The Messenger couldn't send humanity the Word of the Father, but the Word of Gabriel got caught in his throat. Maybe he taught lessons, because he never learned any himself. He was coward. That was what it all came down to. And that was all anyone would ever see.

Maybe Bela Talbot was right about everything.

What good was having an escape if everything kept coming back to him? What good was being here if everything made him realize how fucked up he'd become?

The more bullshit that came out of making that announcement, the more irritated he became with himself, until eventually locking himself in his room and waiting for more vitriol and asspats to come out of it just made him want to hurl his journal against the wall. He wasn't looking for sympathy. He wasn't looking to play the moral high ground. He was looking to manage to keep a tenable hold on the last thing he had left, which was the fact that no matter what he became, no matter how far he sank, he wasn't a monster. Whatever. Like he really cared. Like he was really here looking for anything other than a way out that he was too cowardly to get himself.

He wandered up onto the deck, putting himself as far away from everything as he could, and planted his hands on the railing, staring out into the nothing, a light breeze ruffling his hair slightly. He was stuck here- one way or another, he was stuck here. He was gonna have to keep going, biting down his irritation at being stuck in one place sandwiched between people he couldn't stand and people he knew he'd miss when this was all over and he had to go back.

Killing you would be like euthanasia. Putting down a rabid dog. You're nothing like them. They look down from heaven, see who you are and what you've done, shake their heads and say 'Hopless. Case.'

It's a cycle. It's why he never let himself care that much about anything since his family, because that was where it always ended up, wasn't it?

An archangel stood on the deck of the Barge, braced against the railing, and wondered if any part of this was going to get better.

Comments

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

Hello archangel. Have a Scotsman.

McCullen was just about tired of lying low. He hated the fact that he wasn't at his peak of power that he was back home. He wasn't head of a corporation, he wasn't in charge of nuclear weapons, he was just in charge of a small, ad hoc formation of MARS. The Doctor, the Baroness, Bela, Sark and possibly Costigan. It was nice, but it wasn't the same.

Spotting Gabriel, McCullen frowned, looking at him. He had never met the angel before. He didn't even know what he looked like. All McCullen knew was certain things told to him by Bela and even those were minimal. Still, he wanted someone to talk to. He was bored. Bored and annoyed.

"Penny for your thoughts?" McCullen asked, thick accent pervading all of his speech. He leaned slightly against the railing, looking at Gabriel.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

"Cost more than a penny, pal," Gabriel said, slipping into his usual sarcasm. He was fiiiine. He'd move out of this and into something else and it'd be just another irrational moment of weakness. "If you wanna stand on the bow and declare yourself king of the world, though. Be my guest."

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen shook his head, smirking slightly at Gabriel. "I think I'll pass. Besides, that movie's ancient." Being from the not-so-distant future had its advantages. He raised an eyebrow, looking at Gabriel. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything important-brooding, for example," he said, smirk growing bigger.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel scoffed and rolled over so that he was leaning against the railing as opposed to over it. "Brooding? Who's brooding? Brooding is for guys with their bangs effortlessly styled over one side of their face and eyeliner. I'm contemplating the universe." He pursed his lips. "It didn't take too long. Don't know that much about the universe." He offered a hand. "Gabriel. No last name needed."

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen shrugged. "The most I know about the universe is that it's big and confusing. That's good enough for me." He put his hands in his pockets, looking at Gabriel. As the angel said his name, McCullen's face remained the same. Inwardly, however, he was interested. Gabriel? Bela knew him. That's all he knew about the angel, but that was enough for his interest. "James McCullen. Preferably McCullen. It's a pleasure to meet you, Gabriel."

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel made a mental note to start calling him Jimmy when he was in a better mood. For now, he'd avoid the unnecessary nicknames. He pocketed his own hand and shrugged. "You're the guy who picked up on the Unibomber in our midst, huh? Nice job. I still owe the culprit a boot ten feet up his ass."

Because Gabe held grudges. Oh did he hold grudges. Especially when people get his people involved.

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen smiled, looking at Gabriel. Oh good. Gabriel liked him already. "You and half the Barge. I assume that you died in the incident?" The incident. That was a nice way to describe it, especially since he had apparently gotten the weapon wrong.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Disclaimer: Gabriel generally liked everyone, until otherwise proven a douchebag.

He shrugged again. "Not in so many words. Kinda hard to kill an angel, but it did put me in a very bad mood."

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen frowned, looking at Gabriel. Bela had said something about an angel, but for appearances sake, he had to act surprised. "You're the Gabriel?"

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Please. No genuflecting or 'I'm Not Worthys' or 'Hail Mary's.' I'm retired."

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen simply shrugged. "I probably don't remember the full Hail Mary anyway. I'm not Catholic. It's just interesting to me that you chose to come to the Barge."

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel studied his fingernails. "Like I said, retired. So... Why not save a few souls and chill out for awhile here? Home was gettin' a little rough. This? This is surprisingly a cakewalk compared to the old homestead."

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen leaned more against the railing, looking at Gabriel. "How many inmates have you redeemed, out of curiosity? After all, it's a cakewalk." He knew that baiting the angel would probably be a bad idea. But he couldn't help it.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

"I've only been here two months. Give a guy a break," Gabriel protested. "And if you had any idea what I just left back home, pal? You'd be calling this is a cakewalk too. Apocalypses are no one's friend."

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen's eyes narrowed. "Apocalypses? You've piqued my interest. What happened back home?"

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel leaned his back as far as it would go so that he was regarding the vast void upside down.

"Oh the usual story. Two idiots accidentally set off the apocalypse. The Biblical kind. Everything's coming up carnage now."

He could sound so relaxed about it, because he was good at lying to himself.

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

McCullen raised an eyebrow. Well. That sounded slightly scary. "So, it's the actual thing? Fire and brimstone, the blood-timmed tide, things like that?" He was curious. The Apocalypse was something that he never worried about.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel glanced up and curled his fingers in an 'OK' sign. "Got it in one. Pretty sure it's not contagious though. One world's Apocalypse is another world's... I dunno. Beach vacation. Whatever the opposite of Apocalypse is."

Dad never really explained the whole alternate universe thing if He knew about it at all, but at this point, Gabriel was willing to accept anything. Other universes? Whatever. Pandimensional Barges traveling through space, redeeming the souls of the damned? Fantastic. Just so long as it gets him out of... That.

[diefrenchiesdie.livejournal.com]

"Utopia?" McCullen offered, looking at Gabriel. Honestly, he didn't really care about what the opposite of an Apocalypse was. He just wanted to keep Gabriel talking. "Or maybe just 'reign of prosperity' or some generic term like that."

muse went craazy. sorry. 1/2

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max hadn’t really given herself time to recuperate from the trauma of going back to Manticore, dealing with those things, fighting again even though she hated to. She’d lost so many friends and so many siblings to their plight, that military base stood strong as her biggest weakness and despite the fact that she was birthed from it, it was never easy to think about and it was even harder to go back as if nothing had happened the last time she’d left. Manticore would always be there. She could blow it sky high time and time again and they’d find a way to build it back up from the dirt again, make human weapons, train things that shouldn’t have ever seen the light of day. It was like a parasite and the people that worked for the military operation were worse, taking joy in her sorrow, taking reverence in her siblings death. She didn’t want to think about what they’d done to Zach, or that they left her nephew without a mother. The fight was never-ending and even in the shelter of the ship, she knew that it was still raging, the damn war between the genetically enhanced, or digressing and the average human. It had all started in Gillette, Wyoming and by the time she had turned twenty it had spread throughout the greater United States, making it so there wasn’t a safe place for her but the barge.

After her alleged return she started to notice that she was sick, and not sick in the ways she usually was. She was physically ill, her head was pounding, her normally caramel skin tone was blanched to an opaque white. She hadn’t done much to hide this and had spent most of her days sitting in her room and trying to work through the anxiety bubbling within her by meditating or doing yoga, she would have been doing work out routines in the gym but she wasn’t entirely sure that her body could handle it or that she could put herself through the exertion and walk away okay. She felt substantially weaker than she did normally and she knew that this had nothing to do with her soured mood. She could work through emotional trauma, bury it, that’s what she was good at. Physical pain she wasn’t used to and her head was throbbing like someone had played a drum solo out on her brain.

Max heaved a sigh before placing her mark in her book and rubbing her temples. Her hair was pulled back in a braid that hang loosely from the nape of her neck and she was dressed in a tired wife beater and a pair of sweat pants that cropped at her mid calf. She didn’t feel like she needed to look any more presentable than she already did so she just grabbed a light jogging jacket and slipped it around her shoulders before pocketing her hands and making her way up to the main deck. She’d been avoiding leaving her room and up until this point she’d agree with the logic she’d made up for it, now she just knew that she could use a breath of fresh air, or what fresh air that the deck could provide and she’d grown used to the view from there too.

2/2 TL;DR max is sitting at the railing too.

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

As her sneakers hit the wood of the deck she chewed on her lip and started to wonder what might be going on back in Washington, if things were okay with Cindy and Sketchy and if life was just normal for them. Hopefully they weren’t worrying about her. The hugs she’d received upon seeing them again were a small pittance for her, the memory brought her solace and a small smile turned the corners of her lips as she moved an unsteady hand to push her fringe back from her head.

It was hard not to think about how sick she was, or how bad she was feeling, because up until this point she hadn’t been anything close to ill in two years. She had gotten by just fine on her own and with her genetic altercations keeping her up right she never had to worry about crashing or feeling any less than what she was. She was silently grateful that no one had gotten into any trouble that required her assistance. Usually Sexby called upon her when the harder things needed tackling and apart from what happened in the kitchen things had been well. She’d been planning to go visit Inara in the sick bay to see if she needed anything but she knew she couldn’t go down there without McCoy noticing something wasn’t right with her either, so she’d stayed away.

With an evident sigh Max stepped up to the railing and leaned her elbows across the railing and looked out to the swirling textures of the ship passing between worlds and she tried to steady her breathing, they started out in shuddered breaths and began to slowly coax to a fluid and slow breath through her mouth and out of her nose. It was nice, just the temperature of the deck and the fact that it didn’t hold the looming feeling of solitude that her room did. She knew that there were other people about, and she enjoyed the fact that she was around them, but at the moment she welcomed the lack of chill the scenery that barge was providing.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel sidled over without a word, the moment he noticed her arrive, until his elbow was just barely brushing against hers. "You know... I actually thought it was a literal boat there for awhile. Y'know, oceans, maybe some dolphins. This is... Interesting. In a bleak, mostly empty vastness of space sort of way."

Typical Gabe, consoling unhappiness with a good sense of humor a feigned decent outlook.

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max slipped the sleeves of her jacket over her hands and gripped the bar in front of her before turning her head on her neck to give Gabe a once over and a kind smile.

"It's not so bad though, the abyss. It's nice it's own sort of... ominously pretty way?" Even she knew that it sounded ridiculous.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel planted his feet over one side of the railing and leaned over about as far as he dared... Which was far enough to be concerning. "I think the base word of abysmal is abyss, but it's got its charms. I guess. If you like the swirling black void look."

He leaned back a bit. "I think a few pandimensional dolphins would give it a more... I dunno. Homey touch?"

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max just laughed and shakily tucked her fringe behind her ear. "I'm not looking for much, it's easier to watch people here."

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

"...Oh right. We're supposed to be doin' that. Damn. I keep forgetting this isn't a luxury cruise." He rolled his eyes and then took a moment to look at her. She looked somehow worse than the last time he saw her and something was wrong. He could tell, even without looking.

"You okay?"

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max just shrugged it off and wrapped her arms around her torso a bit before sniffling in. "I'm fine."

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel sidled a little closer so that his chin was almost resting on her shoulder. "Lying to an angel. That's... I dunno. Probably a sin. Although, if we're counting sins, my list is way longer."

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

"Don't worry about me," Max said with a short sigh. "Really."

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel flopped against the railing, looking briefly agitated before finally slipping back into a neutral expression. When he spoke, his voice was eerily quiet. "That's not how this works, y'know? Not that I have the common sense Dad gave a fig newton about how this works... How any of it works. But I know that much."

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max just gave a visibly shudder and cradled herself closer. She knew what was coming, she could feel her hands shaking against her sides and the twitch in her sternum and neck. "I'll be fi-fine."

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel immediately bridged the small distance between them and turned her to face him as gently as he could manage. He could feel it. Like something vibrating against his vessel's skull.

"Max. Look at me. Look. At me."

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max caught his glance for a brief moment before her fight to slow her limbs was futile and she dropped, muscles twitching.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabe dropped with her, struggling to get her collected in his arms like somehow being held tightly enough would stop the twitching. "No. No. No. Don't do this to me, Max. Please."

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Max just continued, delirious now and not right with herself.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Gabriel gritted his teeth and blipped them back into her room, because it was the first place he could think of to take her. It didn't occur to him that maybe, just maybe the infirmary might have something for her. ....He was mildly distracted by the fact that this wasn't something he could just fix. He was used to that sense of power. It was the only thing he really had left.

He held her a little bit tighter, practically trying to will her to stop. "C'mon. C'mon. C'mon."

[youdaman.livejournal.com]

Maxxie's torso rocked back and forth and her legs seemed to move of their own accord, her arms were pinned down by Gabe's embrace but they jolted to her body nowhere near in sync.

[painhumbles.livejournal.com]

Somewhere in the back of his mind, it occurred to him that if begging her to stop seizing wasn't working, he ought to take her somewhere that might actually, you know, know something about this, even if it got his hackles up.

"All right, all right," he hissed, more at himself than her. He held her a bit closer. "Just hang on. Okay?"

He blipped again, this time to the infirmary.